Sex Life Of A Coping Widow
Well, things have been really rough for me for a long time.
Husband of 17 years recently passed away, actually on September 11th, of all days. He died after an extended illness. He had diabetes all his life that he never took care of. Developed many complications, dialysis, amputation, becoming bedridden. I devoted myself to this man for about a year of total bed care, wound care, home hemo-dialysis, incontenince and cleaning from that, hand feeding, being woke several times a night, you name it. I have never been so completely and totally in love with someone ever before. I take marriage vows seriously, and in sickness and health, for better or worse. So, I plugged in for the long haul.
Then came the night. He called for me, had messed his bed pad. I was trying to tug it out from under him, and heard a few gurgly breaths. Went up to his head, and the vacant stare in his eyes was imistakable. Still yet, any possible chance, so called 911. They talked me through CPR, all the while I can feel his chest and ribs sinking under my hands. EMTs get there and somewhat stabilize him and take him to the hospital. Follow along, for him to only “officially” die a few hours later. Had I for sure known, I would have left him lying. Things just numb and shock for the longest time. One expects to lose a spouse late in life, but becoming a widow at 48 just makes you feel like you’ve been cheated. I have a sense that life owes me a payback for being so cheated.
I become so lonely that I try to do the match.com thing, but it becomes clear that I am emotionally unavailable. Does not mean that all of me is unavailable. Way back, several several years, husband and I used to swing some as a couple. So, decide this is just the thing I need instead of any messy emotional entanglements, and join AFF on November 14th. The sex would be most welcome after a nine year stint without a drop.
Sex is a complicated issue for me. Never one for the “oh, only if you are in love, only with one man, only in a commitment, only for the long haul”. Going way back, have always been in tune with my rampant sexual side. Feel no qualms over having sex just for sex’s sake, just because I’m in the mood and the opportunity presents itself. Sex has always been an emotional and physical comfort for me, even if I have no emotions for the person. Always been highly sexed. Add to this the fact that all throughout my childhood, I was the social pariah, the “it” that everyone loved to abuse. I have tales that could bring tears to your eyes. So I know on a psychological back-burner basis, a lot of my promiscuity stems from a need for approval, especially from men. Took me a long time to realize this, but doesn’t really change anything. Still loving sex anytime I can get it, so always succumb. Life is just too short to deprive oneself. Mom is a bit repressed, saying the same old song and dance, must be in a commitment, don’t have to give in just because you are aroused. But hey, that’s no fun! She says don’t understand how I can have sex with someone I just met, but my question is if you are both attracted and aroused, then how do you NOT? To try not to would feel like a punishment to me. So anyway, this blog is about recounting all of my heady encounters, because I am about to explode, and really have no one nonjudgmental to confide in. A sort-of diary, if you will. Hope readers get the same release that I do.
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